HOW TO BE A GOOD LISTENER
What's more frustrating than speaking without being heard?
We've all been there: confiding in a friend as she paws at her phone; pitching
an idea to a co-worker as he interrupts with his own; telling your mom about
your day as her eyes glaze over -- apparently focusing on something else much,
much more interesting than you.
These situations, in the moment, can be annoying and
downright hurtful. But the fact that they happen often can't be too surprising.
"There's a misconception that when we hear, we listen," says Pamela
Cooper, vice president of the International Listening Association, "but
listening is really hard work, and it takes a great deal of
concentration." No wonder our friends and family and co-workers can be
lousy at it. But what about you -- are you a good listener?
"Most people are very aware that other people don't
listen, but they're not nearly as aware that they themselves don't
listen," says Paul Donoghue, psychologist and co-author of "Are You
Really Listening? Keys to Successful Communication" with Mary Siegel. So,
"don't presume you're a good listener," he says.
Be brutally honest with yourself and think about your own
listening (or not-listening) behavior. You may be that colleague or sibling or
friend who never really listens and not even know it! See if you have any of
these poor listening habits below, or better yet, thicken your skin and ask a
friend.
Distracting
yourself.
Sending one little text message as your co-worker is
talking sends an enormous message to her: You're not listening. And that hurts.
Yes, perhaps you're hearing the other person, or you think you're getting the
gist -- you're a multitasker after all! -- But are you really concentrating on
what she said? Probably not. Focusing on a text message, or your Instagram
feed, or that dog over there or the shopping list you need to make is telling
the speaker that those things are more important than what she is saying --
Next habit: interrupting!
Interrupting.
This bad habit is three things: Self-explanatory, rude
and a sign that you're not listening.
Topping the
speaker's story.
Imagine you're excitedly telling a friend about a
Washington, D.C., vacation you're planning, when he decides to cut in: "I
lived there for three years and have toured the National Mall a couple dozen
times, and really prefer the Vietnam Memorial, though all the tourists
typically opt for the Lincoln Memorial, which … " There's certainly
nothing wrong with engaging in a conversation, but cutting into the speaker's
story to talk about yourself is a sign you weren't digesting his or her
message. With this "me too" habit, as Donoghue describes it, you're
pretty much saying, "You bring me the ball, and I'll take it from you and
start dribbling it," he says.
Problem finding.
Someone with this habit thinks, "I'm listening, but
only enough to find a problem and fix it for you," Donoghue says.
Sometimes this person is so skilled in the habit that he or she will find
problems that aren't even there. "Oh, the trip to Washington is this
month? Why would you go there in that summer humidity? And don't even think
about cooling down in the air-conditioned museums, they're too crowded."
Becoming defensive.
If you're the topic of discussion, you might hear
criticism that may or may not be there. And so we get defensive. "And when
we're defending, we're not listening," Donoghue says.
Think about the last meeting, conversation or class you
had. Did you display any of these habits above? Whether or not you did, know
that everyone can improve his or her listening skills. And that's exactly what
listening is: a monumentally important skill used in marriage, friendship,
parenthood, management and just about every kind of relationship. Without
listening skills, we're poor communicators, Cooper says, which is unfortunate,
because she identifies communication as the "heartbeat of life."
Think about the last miscommunication you had, or the last time something didn't
go your way, Cooper suggests, and now think: How much of that had to do with
not fully listening?
Maybe your listening skills just need a tune-up, or maybe
they need an overhaul. Either way, like other skills, you need to work hard to
improve your listening. "You don't just sit down and play Chopin,"
says Donoghue, "You have to play scales and practice, practice,
practice."
Here's how to
practice becoming a better listener:
Break those
habits.
Now that you're aware of poor listening habits, identify
when you do them -- and stop. "Even if you're mid-sentence, catch
yourself. 'Here I go again, giving advice," Donoghue says, or, "'Here
I go again, telling my story instead of listening to yours.'" If you're
really motivated to become a better listener, ask your friend to call you out
when you're doing these habits.
SOLER up.
Cooper teaches communication studies at the University of
South Carolina in Beaufort. When she notices her students aren't listening, she
tells them to "SOLER up:" Squarely face the speaker; Open up your
posture by uncrossing the arms; Lean toward the speaker; Make eye contact; Be
relaxed.
Paraphrase.
Just like how good waiters repeat your order back to you,
good listeners restate what they're hearing. While this repetition isn't necessary
or efficient for every interaction ("I'm hearing that you think it's sunny
out"), it's a useful tool for conversations in which messages could be
mixed: "I'm hearing that you're upset I didn't go to your party," or
"I'm hearing profits are up 4 percent, and you seem hopeful they'll
continue rising."
Realize when
you're not listening and fix it.
No one is a perfect listener. If you find your attention
has drifted and you weren't actively listening, be honest with whoever is
talking. Communicate that yes, you're interested, but that you got a bit off
track, so please repeat that last part.
Taken from Huffington Post By Laura McMullen for U.S. News
